The end of an era or the first day of the rest of my life?

Posted on January 31, 2012 by

Cliches aside, today’s a big one: Today I sent the email to my supervisors that will get the ball rolling on quitting my PhD. There are undoubtedly other people to inform and an office to pack up and perhaps something to sign, and then I guess it will all be over.

Things are happening.

I received an offer in the mail today for one of the three courses I’ve applied to study, but more on that later. What, you thought I’d quit and not already be thinking about my next foray into formal education?

Silly rabbit.

Posted in academia | Leave a comment

Today I ate some stuff.

Posted on January 30, 2012 by

For some reason – I don’t know why, really. Curiosity. We’ll go with that – I’ve challenged myself to photograph everything I eat this week. I probably won’t post it all here because that’s pretty boring, but maybe I will, because I’m a pretty boring kinda lady.

Have you ever wondered what I eat in a day? I bet you haven’t.

Aaanyway yesterday I had my first rent inspection in the one-year-and-one-week (and one day) that I have lived in this house, and I thought I’d start getting stuff ready for New Housemate (arriving next Tuesday!), and I threw out all the suspect food in my fridge, so now it’s all brand new and bare, which is exactly how I like it. Because, who knew? When there’s not much food in my fridge, I actually make use of what’s there instead of going out and buying miscellaneous, unneeded new stuff. Also! I suddenly find myself saving for two pretty major overseas holidays in the next 11 months, so I need to not waste food + save money. Today is the first day in forever that I ate all three meals at home, and didn’t even buy so much as a coffee. (I mean, I bought some groceries, but that’s it.) I am winning at frugality and tastiness.

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Epiphany, part two: Exercise, and why it’s okay to suck.

Posted on January 30, 2012 by

I have this massive complex about exercise. I think I should be really good at everything from the first time I try it, but because I’m not, I usually quit before I’ve really begun.

It’s something that plagues pretty much every aspect of my life. The curse of the perfectionist means that I’m really loathe to try, in case I’m not any good, or in case I look silly, or in case I don’t really enjoy it and have to back track. I’m also bad at setting goals, and even worse at sticking to them.

Exercise & athleticism is one area that gets me down. The fact is that I’m not lithe and aerodynamic. I’m heavy and awkward and asthmatic, not a good combination for fitness finesse in anyone’s books. But… if I don’t work out, I won’t get any less heavy. My fitness won’t improve. So that means that I need to try new things and accept the fact that, in the beginning, I will probably be incredibly shit at whatever I try.

I have these lofty fitness-related ambitions. To run a marathon. To take part in the Open Water Swim series, and eventually do the Rottnest Swim (probably as part of a team, as I can’t visualise myself ever managing 19.7km on my own). To complete a full Ironman.

Last week I ran just over a kilometre. It hurt. I haven’t got in a pool, other than to cool off from the heat, in a good six months. And cycling? My bike tires could not be less flat.

So, as you can see, there’s a bit of a distance between What I want to do and What I can currently sort of do a little bit. However, in the middle there’s this stubborn, perfectionist pain in the arse who expects to be able to wake up tomorrow and go for a casual 5km jog, despite the fact that, really, I am incredibly unfit. And lazy. And noncommittal.

This post isn’t so much about an epiphany, because I certainly haven’t found any answers, as it is about trying to convince myself that it’s okay to be shit at something for a while.

It’s also about consistency. Lately, I have not been very consistent. I am very much an all-or-nothing person. It’s a bad trait. Truly. I will be an absolute gung-ho nutcase when it comes to eating well and exercising for a period of about two weeks, and then everything falls apart. I get sick, so I quit. I get invited out to dinner, so I take that as my cue to eat everything for a while. This inconsistency is what’s doing my head in. How hard is it, really, for me to say, “I will go to the gym six days this week”, and then do it — this week, and next week, and for the next X weeks after that? Also, I need to get my head around the idea that yes, I could run in 2008 – back when I used to run four or five days a week, and swim three days a week, and go to the gym four days a week – but that doesn’t mean I can do any of that now. I slacked off and I am simply not as strong or fit! But that’s not to say that I won’t be.

If I sit on my arse though, I will not get fit.

If I accept that things take time, but that in time, I will get fit again, then guess what?

Yeh.

Either way, sitting on my butt will not get me closer to that marathon, or open water swim, or Ironman. It’s just not humanly possible. Yes, there are people who go from couch potato to sub-4:00 marathon runner without any training. They’re the exception, not the rule. For most people it takes years of training at sports that, in all honesty, are not much fun. Physically exerting yourself is not fun. Waking up at stupid o’clock in the morning to work out before the heat sets in is not fun. Going to the gym after work when you just want to go to the pub is not fun. But the other things – the benefits – that you get from doing all this? They are fun. And worth it.

So, like my post on burgers the other day, I need to buck up and accept that part of life is doing things that are Less Fun Than Other Things, and doing them regardless, because the trade off is pretty sweet.

And why should other people get to experience the awesomeness of crossing the line in an Ironman, and not me? I’m sure I’m not the only fatty in the world who’s said, “I’m going to do that one day” – there’s this guy, for a start. And what makes him any better than me?

Nothing. Game on.

Posted in baring my soul, weighed down | 2 Comments

This evening…

Posted on January 28, 2012 by

The sunset was magical.

20120128-203622.jpg

Posted in i heart western australia | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Epiphany, part one: The food issue.

Posted on January 23, 2012 by

Every night for the past couple of weeks, around dinner time, I’ve gone in search of burgers. Only online, mind you. I’ve looked at V Burger and Burger Edge and even McDonald’s and Hungry Jack’s. I’ve browsed the burger menus and weighed up my options, and thought about whether I’d like chips and a drink or not, and then I’ve closed the browser and eaten something else.

As I write this, I’m eating my actual dinner, painfully demonstrative of my single-lady solo-living status at the moment (i.e. involving as little effort as possible): multigrain toast with cottage cheese, tomato, alfalfa sprouts, and tuna on top. Then I’m going to eat a small tub of Greek yoghurt, and then I’m going to brush my teeth and not eat anything else until the morning.

You’ll notice that Real Dinner and Fantasy Dinner are quite different. Here’s the thing I have realised: Burgers will always, always, always be a tastier option for dinner. They will always kick the arse of tuna and sprouts on toast. They will kick the arse of almost every stir fry, and many curries, and pretty much anything else you could ever eat. Because, you see, like pizza, even a bad burger is good. No one’s ever disliked a burger. How could you? They’re just so good.

The problem with burgers is that they don’t like us. The average person just can’t get away with eating burgers whenever they damn well feel like it. We’re 23 days into this year and I have eaten exactly one burger, from the Pourhouse in Dunsborough, and yes, it was excellent. It was also probably the healthiest burger that I’ve eaten in a long time, and it was totally worth it. But other than that? No burgers. So what?, I hear you say. Well, last year it wasn’t so good.

You see, I’m one of those lucky souls who pairs their emotions with their mouth. I don’t really eat when I feel depressed – thank god, I’d be the size of a house – but I eat when I’m bored, and I eat when I’m happy (all rules fly out the window in social situations), and I eat just about all the time, given half a chance. I eat without thinking of the consequences, or even worse, I think about the consequences and just adopt that fool-proof (*snort*) I’ll just make up for it tomorrow attitude. But I never do. And that, in turn, makes me sad, because I feel really guilty about it.

Last year involved a lot of burgers. Last year involved a lot of everything. Slightly less alcohol than 2010, but definitely more junk food, a side effect of having moved out of home again. By some minor miracle, my weight stabilised to within about 2-3kg the whole year, and I ended the year around the same weight as I started – certainly not more. But I felt like shit. I never really settled that well into my share house situation and often didn’t put much effort into preparing healthy meals (or, if I did, I just made the same boring things over and over). I worked long hours on a degree that I hated, often meaning that convenience won out over conscientiousness. I become the living, breathing (just) embodiment of the concept ‘you are what you eat’. I was eating shit and I was eating mindlessly, and as a result I felt like shit and I felt mindless and out of control.

Something’s happened this year. I don’t know what it is but I feel like this year is different. I feel like I have more control over everything, and I say that fully aware of the fact that a mere few days ago I was clutching my gut feeling sorry for myself because I had definitely eaten much more than I needed to. I’m not a binge eater – I never really have been – but oh my gosh, I can put away some food. I have to consciously tell myself to stop most of the time, because my ‘full’ register is way off the charts. But I feel like I am making headway. I am more open to the concept of baby steps. I’m more forgiving. I’m more flexible.

I’ll probably keep looking at burgers for a while. It’s kind of like a break up, really – it happens, and maybe you still want to be with them and maybe you don’t, but for a while you keep lurking their Facebook profile just to see what they’re up to, until eventually you realise you haven’t done that for a while, and you didn’t even notice. I’m pretty sure my love of all things burger (and pizza, and fish and chips, and noodley, and… and… and…) will eventually fade away, and I’ll be able to view each of these things from a non-pathological standpoint. I’ll be happy to shell out $15 for a really damn good burger once or twice a year, or to have a couple of slices of pizza, or to save the fish & chips for the place that I’ve been told by many people does the best fish & chips I’ll ever eat.

This is a theme that will come up in the few posts I’m going to write about my epiphany, but I have spent my entire life positioning myself as a victim. All I’ve ever wanted is for someone else to own up & take responsibility for my shitty decision making skills. I’ve wanted my parents to take the blame for raising a fat baby who turned into a fat kid who turned into a fat teenager who turned into a fat young adult who turned into the present-day basket case that is yours truly. I wanted them to take the blame for genetics, to tell me that I was dealt a rough hand in life (after all, my sister isn’t overweight. Why should I have to suffer?). I’ve wanted guys to take the blame for being arseholes for not liking me because of my weight (I don’t even know if this is a real issue. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t). I want society to take the blame for instilling attitudes which dictate the obsession with being thin. I’ve just wanted every single other person to take the blame for problems that, ultimately, have no one to blame, except for me.

Because when it comes down to it, part of being an autonomous human being is taking responsibility for your own actions. I am a notoriously bad decision maker, and I’m a perfectionist, and this has made me generally indecisive and inactive, which is a terrible predicament for one to find oneself in if one isn’t pleased with one’s own situation. My obsession with always being the best at everything means that I have been too short sighted to even bother really committing to getting healthy in recent years. I’ve also been consumed by this completely irrational fear that, if I lost weight, people would just refer to me as “Erin who used to be fat” anyway (vain, much?). Also, what happens if I don’t like my life as a slim person? What happens if my problems run deeper than my dress size?

I can’t live like that any more, though. It’s just so self destructive and I am so done. How I’m feeling now though? I haven’t felt like this. I haven’t felt this empowered and optimistic, this willing to try and possibly make mistakes, but to keep on trying, because what’s the alternative? Inaction?

I’ve decided to take responsibility. It’s just time to start making grown up decisions. I need to decide what I want more: that 250 calorie glass of cider, or to lose a few hundred extra grams. To eat a burger now, or to spend two extra hours in the gym tomorrow working it off. To feel good in my skin, or to accept self loathing as my norm, and do nothing to change it.

And that’s why I look at burgers, but eat tuna and salad on toast.

Posted in eat your heart out, weighed down | 4 Comments

I’ve realised something.

Posted on January 23, 2012 by

Right now, I need to eat.

But I will discuss it more later.

I think they call this an epiphany.

 

Posted in baring my soul, i'm an ex an exerciser, weighed down | 2 Comments

The ABCs of travel.

Posted on January 22, 2012 by

I’m tagging myself in a fun meme seeing as I never ever get tagged in anything (not entirely true – I think I was tagged in a meme last year but slacked off on it). It’s travel themed! Fuunnnn! I found this over at Twenty-Something Travel.

Speaking of: there is some low-level but quite serious travel planning happening here at the moment. I’m thinking of a 4-5 week sojourn to South East Asia in June/July (aware that this is rainy season) — Laos & a bit of Thailand? Or Laos & parts of Cambodia that I haven’t yet been to? I need it to be super cheap & fun & tasty. Laos is definitely happening, and I feel like I need more time to do Thailand so I might just go back to Cambodia.

A ge you went on your first international trip

I believe I was almost three years old, and we went to Singapore. My sister was a tiny baby still and I’m 2.5 years older than her, so it must’ve been almost three. I ate chilli and threw up and my dad yelled at me. It’s one of my earlier memories. (Hi Dad!) We also went to the science museum & watched the water show on Sentosa Island.

B est (foreign) beer you’ve had and where

In Vietnam last year (edit: 2010!), my sister and I sat in a little bar on the street in Saigon and drank local beer from a plastic petrol flagon that cost us about 80c for 1.5 L. It wasn’t the best beer, but probably the cheapest. The best beer? I really like huge, icy cold Tiger beers in humid Singapore street markets. I really don’t like Peruvian beer – it’s never cold enough and all tastes the same.

C uisine (favourite)

I’m a complete guts so this is hard. Probably Vietnamese. The greatest thing I have ever tasted on the road, though, was the Chicken Mythic burger from McDonalds in Greece & Portugal. I’d be ashamed of myself for saying that if it hadn’t been so life changingly awesome.

D estinations, favourite, least favourite, and why.

Favourite: it’s a tie between Croatia and Vietnam. Croatia because it is stunning, Vietnam because it is intense and beautiful.

Least Favourite: When I was there, I hated Bosnia. It was SO cold (for me, anyway), and the people weren’t very friendly. Of course, I can’t wait to go back. Same thing happened with India: it’s not one of my least favourite places, but it was very intense and overwhelming, yet I can’t wait to return.

E vent you experienced abroad that made you say “wow”.

In Rishikesh, India, the ashram I stayed at put on a fire ceremony each night. I’m not a religious or even particularly spiritual person, but sitting on the banks of the Ganges while people chanted and sang and cried with their feet in the water was really moving.

Also, arriving at the Sun Gate on the Maccu Picchu trek after four days of really challenging hiking brought tears to my eyes. Walking up out of the underground in Rome and seeing the Colloseum looming above was really cool! And of course, being one of 100,000 people seeing Muse at Wembley Stadium in London was just an amazing experience.

F avourite mode of transportation

I love pretty much any mode of transport that isn’t an aeroplane.

I love the auto rickshaws of Cambodia, riding a pushbike around sleepy towns, and taking long road trips.

G reatest feeling while traveling

When you arrive in a country where you know no one, and don’t speak the language, and still manage to find where you are supposed to be.

Also, that feeling that you’re experiencing something which, for whatever reason, many people will only ever dream on.

H ottest place you’ve traveled to

It was 47-48C when I was in Granada and Seville, Spain. I can’t even begin to describe how hot it was.

I ncredible service you’ve experienced and where

Everyone in Vietnam and Cambodia was beyond lovely.

J ourney that took the longest

In 2009 I went to visit my friend Carla in Umea, Sweden.

To come home, I had to fly Umea – Stockholm – London – Singapore – Perth.

Between catching a taxi from Carla’s apartment in Umea and arriving at my home in Perth, 68 hours passed. I didn’t sleep.

Other than the flights, I spent two hours on a bus (from Stockholm’s main airport to their budget airline air shed) plus eight hours waiting in an airport in Stockholm. I then spent an hour or so waiting for a bus at an airport in London, another couple of hours on a bus, and then 14 hours in Heathrow airport (I got drunk and sobered up twice). Then I spent three hours in Singapore airport, and an hour getting home from the airport in Perth. I didn’t sleep a wink.

K eepsake from your travels

I generally buy jewellery & things like prints and fabric pieces – stuff that doesn’t take up much room in my bag. Otherwise, it’s just lots and lots of photos.

L etdown sight, and why

I have been fascinated by Ancient Greek culture since I was a kid, but I absolutely hated the Acropolis in Greece. It was so busy, so hot, and everyone was so pushy & rude. I also thought that the Taj Mahal was overrated – I visited much cooler sites in India & Greece.

M oment when you fell in love with travel

I’m not really sure. I’ve traveled since I was really young, and I kind of just always assumed that I would travel when I was old enough and could afford it. And I have.

N icest hotel you’ve stayed in

I stay in a pretty nice hotel when I go to Singapore with my family, but on my own travels, my sister and I stayed in an awesome hotel (more of a guesthouse – The Villa Paradiso) in Phnom Penh, Cambodia that was beautiful. I’m sure I’ve stayed in lovely places in Bali but I don’t really remember (I was 15 last time I went).

O bsession – what are you obsessed with taking pictures of while you are traveling?

Food! And doorways! No, really. I also love street scenes, and ordinary people going about their day.

P assport stamps, how many, and from where?

I don’t have my passport on me, but I (think) I’ve got Australia (obvs), Singapore, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Vietnam, Cambodia, India, England, Croatia, Bosnia, Slovenia, Austria (do we still get Austrian passport stamps? I arrived from Croatia), New Zealand (again – can’t remember whether Aussies get NZ stamps), Argentina, Peru, Chile, Bolivia. Yehhhh.

Q uirkiest attraction you’ve visited and where

I’m not really into weird, tacky touristy things, but I’m going to say Park Guell in Barcelona is pretty quirky from a purely visual perspective, as is much of Barcelona, really!

R ecommended sight, event, or experience?

Trekking Maccu Picchu. A big summer music festival in the UK (I went to Global Gathering, and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done!). The Amalfi Coast in Italy. The outer temples of Angkor Wat in Cambodia. Everything. Do everything.

S plurge

I think it’s important to spend money on things that you’re never going to get to do again. There’s no point traveling around the world and turning down an opportunity because you think it’s too expensive. I would pay obscene amounts of money for a really great meal.

T ouristy things you’ve done

The most recent one that sticks in my mind is the junk trip in Ha Long Bay, Vietnam. Totally touristy but so incredibly beautiful.

U nforgettable travel memory

This one’s really unique to my personal experience, but the few days that I spent in Granada, Spain, were some of my favourite & most fun of my life. We met an Pakistani-English beat boxer, a German yoga instructor, Australians (one of whom we called Australia and kept bumping into in other towns), a New Yorker who gave her apartment keys to an Argentinean that she’d just met, who was traveling to NY (I wonder if it all worked out okay?). We drank wine, ate food, sang, and laughed for three days in the sweltering heat of the Spanish summer, and it was truly amazing.

On the other hand, Euro Pride (a gay pride parade attended by in excess of 1,000,000 people of all persuasions) in Madrid that same summer was one of the most fun things I’ve ever done. We drank Coke and red wine (as the Spanish do, apparently?) and had a ton of fun. Then I spewed outside Burger King. Stay classy.

Swimming between rocky bays in Portugal was also really wonderful. I still have an underwater film that I need to get developed from this! I must dig that camera out (this was in 2007).

V isas

Being an Aussie, I haven’t needed to get a visa for many places I’ve been. My current passport has Indian, Vietnamese, and Cambodian visas in it.

X cellent view?

The Amalfi Coast. Simply spectacular. The Andes.

Wine, best glass of wine traveling and where?

I don’t remember what it was called, but my first try of Malbec in Bolivia introduced me to a world of South American wine that I still love.

Drinking glasses of red wine on the hot, dry nights of days that had been in excess of 47 degrees in Granada, Spain is a memory that stays with me. We paid about 2 Euros for a one litre bottle (okay – a few one litre bottles) and it tasted like liquid heaven.

Y ears spent traveling?

I’ve been traveling with family since I was a little tacker, but I started traveling without family in 2003 (just to Sydney & Melbourne at first). In 2007 I took my first international vacation by myself (4 months in Europe), and then in 2009 I went to Melbourne, Europe again, and to South America on a separate trip. In 2010 I went to Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, and India, and last year to Adelaide, Sydney, and Melbourne. This year I’m going to go to South East Asia and (hopefully!) New York & Central America. (Yeh, my travel plans have changed. More on that later.)

Z ealous sports fans

Every. Single. Restaurant. in South America has a TV in the corner and, inevitably, a bunch of men sitting around shouting GOOOOALLLL!

On the other hand, everyone – everyone – in India asks you about the cricket if you’re Australian. Everyone.

Posted in globetrekker | 5 Comments

If it’s too much to ask, if it’s too much to ask, then send me a son.

Posted on January 21, 2012 by

It’s actually obscene how much I love this song.

(Sorry about the silly ad.)

And the original:

(One of the best videos ever.)

[mr little jeans - the suburbs // arcade fire - the suburbs]
Posted in everyone deserves music | Leave a comment

So today…

Posted on January 20, 2012 by

I went to the doctor, because I have been sick for a couple of weeks.

Yeh – turns out I have a severe chest infection that’s setting off my asthma.

So now I have prednisolone, antibiotics, increased asthma meds, and a neb.

I can’t even walk up the stairs to my house, or dress, or do anything, really, without being out of breath, so I hope this passes real soon.

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Lazy days, mosquito bites.

Posted on January 20, 2012 by

How funny – I have a draft post that I wrote a day ago about how it has reached that point in summer where one just accepts the heat and almost stops feeling it, and this morning I have woken up to winter. Well – winter if it were 23 degrees C with 75% humidity at 6.50am. A couple of hours ago it was still 27 degrees. This week is humid. So so humid. And, other than this morning, so still. I can handle hot & breezy. I don’t mind if the wind is warm – I just want the air to circulate.

The heat this week is languid. It’s sticky and stagnant. I feel like I’ve been moving in slow motion, barely managing to get through each task before I feel like it’s time for a nap. My poor dog is stretched out on his side in a sand pit in my yard, trying to cool down.

This morning I awoke about 12.30 to see the most amazing light show put on by mother nature. Lightning flashed across the sky for hours – I kept dozing in and out of sleep – but I never heard any thunder, and it didn’t rain. It was your typical summer electrical storm, and I kind of felt like I was living in a song.

I didn’t get much sleep, but when I did I had weird dreams.

Like discovering a stove top inside my pots & pans cupboard. It had been burning for a year & explained why my house was so hot.

Like being a taxi driver for rich folks.

Like finding out I had put my washing into the dryer, instead of the washing machine.

Like next door neighbour’s girlfriend getting out of jail and coming to live with them, but shacking up with his housemate.

Like the young kids across the road going camping and coming back with massive tribal tattoos.

All in the space of a 20 minute nap.

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