I slept last night on the idea of dropping the PhD, and it seems most likely at this point that I will indeed take a year-long leave of absence from my studies. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes; I’m not enjoying my work and it’s not something that I’m passionate about, and although the PhD is supposed to be seen as a means to an end of sorts, I don’t really want to waste this wonderful research opportunity on something that I’m just not that in to. At the same time, I don’t want to waste this stage of my life constantly dreaming about doing something else, and feeling upset because I’m sticking to a degree that I’m just noI’m young of the youngest PhD candidates that I know, which if anything should be a signal to me that I don’t have to get my PhD right now. Even if I withdraw altogether, it’s not like I can never go back and get a postgraduate degree – something I still very much want to do. I still have my Bachelor & Honours degrees under my belt, and I still have the same passion for learning that I’ve always had. It just seems that my interests don’t lie where I thought they did.
I’m spending today regrouping my thoughts and searching online for some jobs. I’m going to go for a long walk, do some cooking, and head to the gym this afternoon. I’m doing everything but thinking about my PhD.
The prospect of getting a job is scaring me – although I’ve worked full-time at a couple of companies, I’ve never had a ‘real job’ using my degree. I don’t even know what I’m qualified to do. I don’t particularly want to work, but I doubt that Rhys wants to support me for a year whilst I go on merry journeys of self-discovery, so sorting my shit out will have to happen simultaneous to holding down a good job.
I don’t really want to say too much here; being a blog, I’m not entirely sure who reads this, and I don’t want to get too carried away with signing my PhD away before I’ve spoken to some important people (i.e. my supervisor and my family). I think this is for the best though. I have friends who are also studying for their doctorate, and they love what they do. I’m envious of the fervour with which they approach their study, and just how wholly suited they are to their area of research. Right now, I’m just not in that place. I’ve battled for the past 18 months to stay on track and stay interested and come up with ideas that I find inspiring and exciting, and I think it’s time to hang up the boots for a while and reconnect with who I am and what I actually love in this world. It sounds like a load of hippie bullshit, I’m sure, but I’m just so incredibly lost right now, and I have been for so long, that I think getting off the path altogether and forging a new one will probably get me to where I want to be, sooner than continuing down the path that I have a niggling feeling might not be the right one.
