As I write this, I’m eating my actual dinner, painfully demonstrative of my single-lady solo-living status at the moment (i.e. involving as little effort as possible): multigrain toast with cottage cheese, tomato, alfalfa sprouts, and tuna on top. Then I’m going to eat a small tub of Greek yoghurt, and then I’m going to brush my teeth and not eat anything else until the morning.

You’ll notice that Real Dinner and Fantasy Dinner are quite different. Here’s the thing I have realised: Burgers will always, always, always be a tastier option for dinner. They will always kick the arse of tuna and sprouts on toast. They will kick the arse of almost every stir fry, and many curries, and pretty much anything else you could ever eat. Because, you see, like pizza, even a bad burger is good. No one’s ever disliked a burger. How could you? They’re just so good.

The problem with burgers is that they don’t like us. The average person just can’t get away with eating burgers whenever they damn well feel like it. We’re 23 days into this year and I have eaten exactly one burger, from the Pourhouse in Dunsborough, and yes, it was excellent. It was also probably the healthiest burger that I’ve eaten in a long time, and it was totally worth it. But other than that? No burgers. So what?, I hear you say. Well, last year it wasn’t so good.

You see, I’m one of those lucky souls who pairs their emotions with their mouth. I don’t really eat when I feel depressed – thank god, I’d be the size of a house – but I eat when I’m bored, and I eat when I’m happy (all rules fly out the window in social situations), and I eat just about all the time, given half a chance. I eat without thinking of the consequences, or even worse, I think about the consequences and just adopt that fool-proof (*snort*) I’ll just make up for it tomorrow attitude. But I never do. And that, in turn, makes me sad, because I feel really guilty about it.

Last year involved a lot of burgers. Last year involved a lot of everything. Slightly less alcohol than 2010, but definitely more junk food, a side effect of having moved out of home again. By some minor miracle, my weight stabilised to within about 2-3kg the whole year, and I ended the year around the same weight as I started – certainly not more. But I felt like shit. I never really settled that well into my share house situation and often didn’t put much effort into preparing healthy meals (or, if I did, I just made the same boring things over and over). I worked long hours on a degree that I hated, often meaning that convenience won out over conscientiousness. I become the living, breathing (just) embodiment of the concept ‘you are what you eat’. I was eating shit and I was eating mindlessly, and as a result I felt like shit and I felt mindless and out of control.

Something’s happened this year. I don’t know what it is but I feel like this year is different. I feel like I have more control over everything, and I say that fully aware of the fact that a mere few days ago I was clutching my gut feeling sorry for myself because I had definitely eaten much more than I needed to. I’m not a binge eater – I never really have been – but oh my gosh, I can put away some food. I have to consciously tell myself to stop most of the time, because my ‘full’ register is way off the charts. But I feel like I am making headway. I am more open to the concept of baby steps. I’m more forgiving. I’m more flexible.

I’ll probably keep looking at burgers for a while. It’s kind of like a break up, really – it happens, and maybe you still want to be with them and maybe you don’t, but for a while you keep lurking their Facebook profile just to see what they’re up to, until eventually you realise you haven’t done that for a while, and you didn’t even notice. I’m pretty sure my love of all things burger (and pizza, and fish and chips, and noodley, and… and… and…) will eventually fade away, and I’ll be able to view each of these things from a non-pathological standpoint. I’ll be happy to shell out $15 for a really damn good burger once or twice a year, or to have a couple of slices of pizza, or to save the fish & chips for the place that I’ve been told by many people does the best fish & chips I’ll ever eat.

This is a theme that will come up in the few posts I’m going to write about my epiphany, but I have spent my entire life positioning myself as a victim. All I’ve ever wanted is for someone else to own up & take responsibility for my shitty decision making skills. I’ve wanted my parents to take the blame for raising a fat baby who turned into a fat kid who turned into a fat teenager who turned into a fat young adult who turned into the present-day basket case that is yours truly. I wanted them to take the blame for genetics, to tell me that I was dealt a rough hand in life (after all, my sister isn’t overweight. Why should I have to suffer?). I’ve wanted guys to take the blame for being arseholes for not liking me because of my weight (I don’t even know if this is a real issue. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t). I want society to take the blame for instilling attitudes which dictate the obsession with being thin. I’ve just wanted every single other person to take the blame for problems that, ultimately, have no one to blame, except for me.

Because when it comes down to it, part of being an autonomous human being is taking responsibility for your own actions. I am a notoriously bad decision maker, and I’m a perfectionist, and this has made me generally indecisive and inactive, which is a terrible predicament for one to find oneself in if one isn’t pleased with one’s own situation. My obsession with always being the best at everything means that I have been too short sighted to even bother really committing to getting healthy in recent years. I’ve also been consumed by this completely irrational fear that, if I lost weight, people would just refer to me as “Erin who used to be fat” anyway (vain, much?). Also, what happens if I don’t like my life as a slim person? What happens if my problems run deeper than my dress size?

I can’t live like that any more, though. It’s just so self destructive and I am so done. How I’m feeling now though? I haven’t felt like this. I haven’t felt this empowered and optimistic, this willing to try and possibly make mistakes, but to keep on trying, because what’s the alternative? Inaction?

I’ve decided to take responsibility. It’s just time to start making grown up decisions. I need to decide what I want more: that 250 calorie glass of cider, or to lose a few hundred extra grams. To eat a burger now, or to spend two extra hours in the gym tomorrow working it off. To feel good in my skin, or to accept self loathing as my norm, and do nothing to change it.

And that’s why I look at burgers, but eat tuna and salad on toast.

But I will discuss it more later.

I think they call this an epiphany.

Speaking of: there is some low-level but quite serious travel planning happening here at the moment. I’m thinking of a 4-5 week sojourn to South East Asia in June/July (aware that this is rainy season) — Laos & a bit of Thailand? Or Laos & parts of Cambodia that I haven’t yet been to? I need it to be super cheap & fun & tasty. Laos is definitely happening, and I feel like I need more time to do Thailand so I might just go back to Cambodia.

A ge you went on your first international trip

I believe I was almost three years old, and we went to Singapore. My sister was a tiny baby still and I’m 2.5 years older than her, so it must’ve been almost three. I ate chilli and threw up and my dad yelled at me. It’s one of my earlier memories. (Hi Dad!) We also went to the science museum & watched the water show on Sentosa Island.

B est (foreign) beer you’ve had and where

In Vietnam last year (edit: 2010!), my sister and I sat in a little bar on the street in Saigon and drank local beer from a plastic petrol flagon that cost us about 80c for 1.5 L. It wasn’t the best beer, but probably the cheapest. The best beer? I really like huge, icy cold Tiger beers in humid Singapore street markets. I really don’t like Peruvian beer – it’s never cold enough and all tastes the same.

C uisine (favourite)

I’m a complete guts so this is hard. Probably Vietnamese. The greatest thing I have ever tasted on the road, though, was the Chicken Mythic burger from McDonalds in Greece & Portugal. I’d be ashamed of myself for saying that if it hadn’t been so life changingly awesome.

D estinations, favourite, least favourite, and why.

Favourite: it’s a tie between Croatia and Vietnam. Croatia because it is stunning, Vietnam because it is intense and beautiful.

Least Favourite: When I was there, I hated Bosnia. It was SO cold (for me, anyway), and the people weren’t very friendly. Of course, I can’t wait to go back. Same thing happened with India: it’s not one of my least favourite places, but it was very intense and overwhelming, yet I can’t wait to return.

E vent you experienced abroad that made you say “wow”.

In Rishikesh, India, the ashram I stayed at put on a fire ceremony each night. I’m not a religious or even particularly spiritual person, but sitting on the banks of the Ganges while people chanted and sang and cried with their feet in the water was really moving.

Also, arriving at the Sun Gate on the Maccu Picchu trek after four days of really challenging hiking brought tears to my eyes. Walking up out of the underground in Rome and seeing the Colloseum looming above was really cool! And of course, being one of 100,000 people seeing Muse at Wembley Stadium in London was just an amazing experience.

F avourite mode of transportation

I love pretty much any mode of transport that isn’t an aeroplane.

I love the auto rickshaws of Cambodia, riding a pushbike around sleepy towns, and taking long road trips.

G reatest feeling while traveling

When you arrive in a country where you know no one, and don’t speak the language, and still manage to find where you are supposed to be.

Also, that feeling that you’re experiencing something which, for whatever reason, many people will only ever dream on.

H ottest place you’ve traveled to

It was 47-48C when I was in Granada and Seville, Spain. I can’t even begin to describe how hot it was.

I ncredible service you’ve experienced and where

Everyone in Vietnam and Cambodia was beyond lovely.

J ourney that took the longest

In 2009 I went to visit my friend Carla in Umea, Sweden.

To come home, I had to fly Umea – Stockholm – London – Singapore – Perth.

Between catching a taxi from Carla’s apartment in Umea and arriving at my home in Perth, 68 hours passed. I didn’t sleep.

Other than the flights, I spent two hours on a bus (from Stockholm’s main airport to their budget airline air shed) plus eight hours waiting in an airport in Stockholm. I then spent an hour or so waiting for a bus at an airport in London, another couple of hours on a bus, and then 14 hours in Heathrow airport (I got drunk and sobered up twice). Then I spent three hours in Singapore airport, and an hour getting home from the airport in Perth. I didn’t sleep a wink.

K eepsake from your travels

I generally buy jewellery & things like prints and fabric pieces – stuff that doesn’t take up much room in my bag. Otherwise, it’s just lots and lots of photos.

L etdown sight, and why

I have been fascinated by Ancient Greek culture since I was a kid, but I absolutely hated the Acropolis in Greece. It was so busy, so hot, and everyone was so pushy & rude. I also thought that the Taj Mahal was overrated – I visited much cooler sites in India & Greece.

M oment when you fell in love with travel

I’m not really sure. I’ve traveled since I was really young, and I kind of just always assumed that I would travel when I was old enough and could afford it. And I have.

N icest hotel you’ve stayed in

I stay in a pretty nice hotel when I go to Singapore with my family, but on my own travels, my sister and I stayed in an awesome hotel (more of a guesthouse – The Villa Paradiso) in Phnom Penh, Cambodia that was beautiful. I’m sure I’ve stayed in lovely places in Bali but I don’t really remember (I was 15 last time I went).

O bsession – what are you obsessed with taking pictures of while you are traveling?

Food! And doorways! No, really. I also love street scenes, and ordinary people going about their day.

P assport stamps, how many, and from where?

I don’t have my passport on me, but I (think) I’ve got Australia (obvs), Singapore, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Vietnam, Cambodia, India, England, Croatia, Bosnia, Slovenia, Austria (do we still get Austrian passport stamps? I arrived from Croatia), New Zealand (again – can’t remember whether Aussies get NZ stamps), Argentina, Peru, Chile, Bolivia. Yehhhh.

Q uirkiest attraction you’ve visited and where

I’m not really into weird, tacky touristy things, but I’m going to say Park Guell in Barcelona is pretty quirky from a purely visual perspective, as is much of Barcelona, really!

R ecommended sight, event, or experience?

Trekking Maccu Picchu. A big summer music festival in the UK (I went to Global Gathering, and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done!). The Amalfi Coast in Italy. The outer temples of Angkor Wat in Cambodia. Everything. Do everything.

S plurge

I think it’s important to spend money on things that you’re never going to get to do again. There’s no point traveling around the world and turning down an opportunity because you think it’s too expensive. I would pay obscene amounts of money for a really great meal.

T ouristy things you’ve done

The most recent one that sticks in my mind is the junk trip in Ha Long Bay, Vietnam. Totally touristy but so incredibly beautiful.

U nforgettable travel memory

This one’s really unique to my personal experience, but the few days that I spent in Granada, Spain, were some of my favourite & most fun of my life. We met an Pakistani-English beat boxer, a German yoga instructor, Australians (one of whom we called Australia and kept bumping into in other towns), a New Yorker who gave her apartment keys to an Argentinean that she’d just met, who was traveling to NY (I wonder if it all worked out okay?). We drank wine, ate food, sang, and laughed for three days in the sweltering heat of the Spanish summer, and it was truly amazing.

On the other hand, Euro Pride (a gay pride parade attended by in excess of 1,000,000 people of all persuasions) in Madrid that same summer was one of the most fun things I’ve ever done. We drank Coke and red wine (as the Spanish do, apparently?) and had a ton of fun. Then I spewed outside Burger King. Stay classy.

Swimming between rocky bays in Portugal was also really wonderful. I still have an underwater film that I need to get developed from this! I must dig that camera out (this was in 2007).

V isas

Being an Aussie, I haven’t needed to get a visa for many places I’ve been. My current passport has Indian, Vietnamese, and Cambodian visas in it.

X cellent view?

The Amalfi Coast. Simply spectacular. The Andes.

Wine, best glass of wine traveling and where?

I don’t remember what it was called, but my first try of Malbec in Bolivia introduced me to a world of South American wine that I still love.

Drinking glasses of red wine on the hot, dry nights of days that had been in excess of 47 degrees in Granada, Spain is a memory that stays with me. We paid about 2 Euros for a one litre bottle (okay – a few one litre bottles) and it tasted like liquid heaven.

Y ears spent traveling?

I’ve been traveling with family since I was a little tacker, but I started traveling without family in 2003 (just to Sydney & Melbourne at first). In 2007 I took my first international vacation by myself (4 months in Europe), and then in 2009 I went to Melbourne, Europe again, and to South America on a separate trip. In 2010 I went to Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, and India, and last year to Adelaide, Sydney, and Melbourne. This year I’m going to go to South East Asia and (hopefully!) New York & Central America. (Yeh, my travel plans have changed. More on that later.)

Z ealous sports fans

Every. Single. Restaurant. in South America has a TV in the corner and, inevitably, a bunch of men sitting around shouting GOOOOALLLL!

On the other hand, everyone – everyone – in India asks you about the cricket if you’re Australian. Everyone.

(Sorry about the silly ad.)

And the original:

(One of the best videos ever.)

[mr little jeans - the suburbs // arcade fire - the suburbs]

Yeh – turns out I have a severe chest infection that’s setting off my asthma.

So now I have prednisolone, antibiotics, increased asthma meds, and a neb.

I can’t even walk up the stairs to my house, or dress, or do anything, really, without being out of breath, so I hope this passes real soon.

The heat this week is languid. It’s sticky and stagnant. I feel like I’ve been moving in slow motion, barely managing to get through each task before I feel like it’s time for a nap. My poor dog is stretched out on his side in a sand pit in my yard, trying to cool down.

This morning I awoke about 12.30 to see the most amazing light show put on by mother nature. Lightning flashed across the sky for hours – I kept dozing in and out of sleep – but I never heard any thunder, and it didn’t rain. It was your typical summer electrical storm, and I kind of felt like I was living in a song.

I didn’t get much sleep, but when I did I had weird dreams.

Like discovering a stove top inside my pots & pans cupboard. It had been burning for a year & explained why my house was so hot.

Like being a taxi driver for rich folks.

Like finding out I had put my washing into the dryer, instead of the washing machine.

Like next door neighbour’s girlfriend getting out of jail and coming to live with them, but shacking up with his housemate.

Like the young kids across the road going camping and coming back with massive tribal tattoos.

All in the space of a 20 minute nap.

I jump before I am pushed.

It’s pretty hot here this week. I’ve got my sister’s dog Bailey staying for a few nights while she’s in Thailand (he’s meant to be with my folks but I’m giving them a break from dogs!) and the poor bloke doesn’t seem terribly impressed by the fact that my house is a sauna. I took the dogs to the park this afternoon and this was them about five minutes into the walk. They’d given up and decided to lay on the grass instead. So I joined them.

Dogs are good.