I have decided to do a monthly wrap up to stay on track! In true Erin style though I’m a week late posting this. But here it is!

1. Pay off my credit card debt

Well – I didn’t do terribly with this. I paid off $600. However, now that I have decided to study this year instead of working full-time, I’m going to calm down on paying off the card & stick to my regular monthly repayments (~$170) so as not to over extend myself.

2. Save $30000

See above. This just ain’t gonna happen when I’m only working 30 hour weeks (which is the absolute most I can manage with uni). I’m going to revise it to much less, which is fine seeing as my travel plans are changing, too.

3. Maintain a budget/spending record.

NO! I am really disappointed about this. I got paid today for the first time in Feb though so it might be a good time to start and get that budget happening.

4. Exercise 6 days a week

The first few weeks were a bit of a bummer – I was sick, it was STUPID hot, and I was out of town a bit. However, the past couple of weeks have been much more successful on this front! I’m not up to 6 days a week but I am hitting the gym or going for a walk on about 4 days, so that’s good. Plus dog walks, but they don’t really count seeing as they mainly involve me throwing a stick for my dog in the park so he can exercise.

5. Go to the dentist twice.

Nosir. I have not done this. I’ve been to the Doctor three times though, if that counts? No? Didn’t think so.

6. Work towards a healthy/clean diet

Well: Yes. This has been successful. There have been a few days where I have found myself feeling crap after eating too many simple carb-based meals but mostly it’s been good.

7. Learn Spanish

LOLOLOL. Next!

8. Blogs – set up a travel blog

Yes! This is happening! My friend Chris is helping me out — I’m in the process of setting up a travel blog so as to have a space to document upcoming adventures. Yay! I’ve done one!

9. Read a book a week

I failed miserably on this one in January! However, last week I read the first in the Harry Potter series. We’re only what… 6 weeks into the year? So I’m just five books behind. Five books is a lot with a busy schedule ahead though.

10. No speeding fines and no pissy driving

WIN! I have not received any speeding fines this year and have generally been much more patient on the roads, adopting the attitude that the dickhead behind me can just overtake me if I (at the speed limit) am going to slow for him. And I have not pissy driven at all, taking advantage of buses and friendlifts (and avoiding getting into situations where I might find myself drinking more than expected and then somehow needing to get my car home).

So – not a complete win on all fronts, but getting there.

However, I’ve just gone to enrol and discovered that this 18-month course isn’t actually 18-months at all, but spread across Semester 1, 2, and 3.

Whut?

All of the option units for this degree run over the summer.

The same summer that I was hoping to spend in the United States & Central America.

Damn.

But: I’ll now be finishing my course in February, instead of June, so that’s pretty damn good. I can travel afterwards. I just really wanted to spend New Year’s Eve in New York this year. Oh well. A few extra months to save up money, at least. Back to the ol’ travel drawing board to rethink this one.

(Massive upside: Travel will be cheaper outside of peak season and I won’t be limited by time as I would if I was squeezing it into the summer months.)

I have applied to get my journalism qualification at two universities — so far I have been accepted in the Graduate Diploma of Journalism at Curtin University (where I was doing my PhD; it’s well-known as a good institution for studying journalism. It’s a one-year professional course, which means that on successfully completing eight units, I’ll be qualified as a journalist.

I have also applied to study a Master of International Journalism at UWA, where I did my undergrad. As far as I can tell this is a new course, and whilst it sounds really cool, they are taking their time in getting back to me (semester starts in a couple of weeks!) and given that much of the difference between this course and the Curtin one is the completion of a thesis, I am wondering whether I should just stick with Curtin’s offer. The UWA Masters program is 1.5 years and covers some really interesting looking content, and I love UWA as a place to study, but I don’t know.

I’ve also been accepted into the Master of Development Studies at Murdoch University, which I will study externally and very part time — just one or two units a semester, depending on what I can handle (a full-time load at Murdoch is three units a semester, so two might be a bit too much on top of my journalism study). The benefit of studying externally is, of course, that I don’t have to fit into class schedules, and can instead listen to lectures & do my own private tutorial work as it suits me. The drawback is that I don’t think you learn quite as much studying externally, but we’ll see.

Why these things?

Well, I love to write, so journalism is an obvious choice — one that I probably should’ve made a long time ago. It’s also the kind of qualification that will make me employable, and not just as a journalist, but also in communications-type roles.

The desire to study development studies has emerged from me thinking about the things that I am passionate about. I want to engage with people and communities, working in Australia and overseas to help people carve out better homes and lifestyles for themselves. The Development Studies course covers everything from community development to policy, and gender studies to sustainability, and I think it would be very useful, paired with a journalism degree.

So! There we go. That’s what I’m going to do. It’s going to be intense & challenging on top of work and play and travel, but I’ll find a way to make it happen. My first priority at the moment is becoming qualified as a journalist, seeing as I’ve technically really never had an employable, professional qualification, and then I’ll see where that can take me.

This is 4.5 hours worth, and I’ve got one 2.5 hour session to go. Today mostly wasn’t too painful, except right around the top and near my hip (as opposed to the outlining session, where every.single.line. was the most painful thing I’d ever felt).

I’m so happy with the way this is going, but I’ll be waiting a little while before I get another — partly due to the cost (it’s expensive, but on a cost-per-wear basis it’s the cheapest thing I’ll ever own! Except my first tattoo, which only cost $150 and has already got seven years of wear to its name), but also because one shouldn’t really rush into these things. Also it hurts.

Firstly, I am travel planning like crazy. This makes me happy! I’m hoping to hit up Laos (and another country maybe? Myanmar? Thailand?) for 5-6 weeks in June/July. It’s going to be cheap and cheerful and relaxing and awesome. I am not going to go tubing in Vang Vieng, though (seeing as that’s the first thing almost everyone I’ve told has asked me). There are many reasons, which I may go in to another time, but the biggest one? It’s stupid. I’m not a 21 year old bloke on a boys’ trip hoping to get smashed as possible and bang hot drunk chicks. True story.

Also though, I am simultaneously trying to save money for a trip to the United States and Central America from November – February! This one will cost significantly more than my Laos trip, but I think I will be able to do it. I just need to cut back on random spending… which shouldn’t be too hard because I’ve bailed on most of the plans that have come my way this week. I’m meant to be at dinner & a show (that makes me sound cultured. It’s a post-rock show, not a play) tonight but those plans kinda changed. However, on a not-really-successfully-saving note,

Tomorrow I am getting my tattoo finished! It is very short notice – the shop texted me this afternoon asking if I can come in tomorrow and, well, I can, even though it does leave me very skint for the rest of the pay cycle (until Tuesday). I kind of just want the damn thing finished now.

On Tuesday I received a delivery of the entire Harry Potter series. I’m about 100 pages into the first book, and it’s got more (plot) holes than a wedge of Swiss cheese, but it’s rather captivating and I’m really enjoying it. This surprises me, because I’ve never been into fantasy fiction. I like my made up stories firmly wedged in reality, thankyousir.

I’ve been to the gym for the past three days in a row. Not much to report there, other than fuckyes.

Finally… I have started looking into some really very cool opportunities overseas for work and volunteering. I plan (hope?) to volunteer abroad at some stage in the next couple of years for an extended time, so this weekend I am going to start writing my applications for a few places, and I’ve also found out about a few other groups that offer Real Grown Up Jobs that I will learn more about and apply to over the coming year as well. Things are looking up!

Also (I lied about the ‘finally’ part)… Do you want to know what I am going to do this year, now that I am (emotionally, at least) PhD-free?

I’ll tell you soon.

Tiny, tiny, baby steps.

Things are happening.

I received an offer in the mail today for one of the three courses I’ve applied to study, but more on that later. What, you thought I’d quit and not already be thinking about my next foray into formal education?

Silly rabbit.

Have you ever wondered what I eat in a day? I bet you haven’t.

Aaanyway yesterday I had my first rent inspection in the one-year-and-one-week (and one day) that I have lived in this house, and I thought I’d start getting stuff ready for New Housemate (arriving next Tuesday!), and I threw out all the suspect food in my fridge, so now it’s all brand new and bare, which is exactly how I like it. Because, who knew? When there’s not much food in my fridge, I actually make use of what’s there instead of going out and buying miscellaneous, unneeded new stuff. Also! I suddenly find myself saving for two pretty major overseas holidays in the next 11 months, so I need to not waste food + save money. Today is the first day in forever that I ate all three meals at home, and didn’t even buy so much as a coffee. (I mean, I bought some groceries, but that’s it.) I am winning at frugality and tastiness.

It’s something that plagues pretty much every aspect of my life. The curse of the perfectionist means that I’m really loathe to try, in case I’m not any good, or in case I look silly, or in case I don’t really enjoy it and have to back track. I’m also bad at setting goals, and even worse at sticking to them.

Exercise & athleticism is one area that gets me down. The fact is that I’m not lithe and aerodynamic. I’m heavy and awkward and asthmatic, not a good combination for fitness finesse in anyone’s books. But… if I don’t work out, I won’t get any less heavy. My fitness won’t improve. So that means that I need to try new things and accept the fact that, in the beginning, I will probably be incredibly shit at whatever I try.

I have these lofty fitness-related ambitions. To run a marathon. To take part in the Open Water Swim series, and eventually do the Rottnest Swim (probably as part of a team, as I can’t visualise myself ever managing 19.7km on my own). To complete a full Ironman.

Last week I ran just over a kilometre. It hurt. I haven’t got in a pool, other than to cool off from the heat, in a good six months. And cycling? My bike tires could not be less flat.

So, as you can see, there’s a bit of a distance between What I want to do and What I can currently sort of do a little bit. However, in the middle there’s this stubborn, perfectionist pain in the arse who expects to be able to wake up tomorrow and go for a casual 5km jog, despite the fact that, really, I am incredibly unfit. And lazy. And noncommittal.

This post isn’t so much about an epiphany, because I certainly haven’t found any answers, as it is about trying to convince myself that it’s okay to be shit at something for a while.

It’s also about consistency. Lately, I have not been very consistent. I am very much an all-or-nothing person. It’s a bad trait. Truly. I will be an absolute gung-ho nutcase when it comes to eating well and exercising for a period of about two weeks, and then everything falls apart. I get sick, so I quit. I get invited out to dinner, so I take that as my cue to eat everything for a while. This inconsistency is what’s doing my head in. How hard is it, really, for me to say, “I will go to the gym six days this week”, and then do it — this week, and next week, and for the next X weeks after that? Also, I need to get my head around the idea that yes, I could run in 2008 – back when I used to run four or five days a week, and swim three days a week, and go to the gym four days a week – but that doesn’t mean I can do any of that now. I slacked off and I am simply not as strong or fit! But that’s not to say that I won’t be.

If I sit on my arse though, I will not get fit.

If I accept that things take time, but that in time, I will get fit again, then guess what?

Yeh.

Either way, sitting on my butt will not get me closer to that marathon, or open water swim, or Ironman. It’s just not humanly possible. Yes, there are people who go from couch potato to sub-4:00 marathon runner without any training. They’re the exception, not the rule. For most people it takes years of training at sports that, in all honesty, are not much fun. Physically exerting yourself is not fun. Waking up at stupid o’clock in the morning to work out before the heat sets in is not fun. Going to the gym after work when you just want to go to the pub is not fun. But the other things – the benefits – that you get from doing all this? They are fun. And worth it.

So, like my post on burgers the other day, I need to buck up and accept that part of life is doing things that are Less Fun Than Other Things, and doing them regardless, because the trade off is pretty sweet.

And why should other people get to experience the awesomeness of crossing the line in an Ironman, and not me? I’m sure I’m not the only fatty in the world who’s said, “I’m going to do that one day” – there’s this guy, for a start. And what makes him any better than me?

Nothing. Game on.

As I write this, I’m eating my actual dinner, painfully demonstrative of my single-lady solo-living status at the moment (i.e. involving as little effort as possible): multigrain toast with cottage cheese, tomato, alfalfa sprouts, and tuna on top. Then I’m going to eat a small tub of Greek yoghurt, and then I’m going to brush my teeth and not eat anything else until the morning.

You’ll notice that Real Dinner and Fantasy Dinner are quite different. Here’s the thing I have realised: Burgers will always, always, always be a tastier option for dinner. They will always kick the arse of tuna and sprouts on toast. They will kick the arse of almost every stir fry, and many curries, and pretty much anything else you could ever eat. Because, you see, like pizza, even a bad burger is good. No one’s ever disliked a burger. How could you? They’re just so good.

The problem with burgers is that they don’t like us. The average person just can’t get away with eating burgers whenever they damn well feel like it. We’re 23 days into this year and I have eaten exactly one burger, from the Pourhouse in Dunsborough, and yes, it was excellent. It was also probably the healthiest burger that I’ve eaten in a long time, and it was totally worth it. But other than that? No burgers. So what?, I hear you say. Well, last year it wasn’t so good.

You see, I’m one of those lucky souls who pairs their emotions with their mouth. I don’t really eat when I feel depressed – thank god, I’d be the size of a house – but I eat when I’m bored, and I eat when I’m happy (all rules fly out the window in social situations), and I eat just about all the time, given half a chance. I eat without thinking of the consequences, or even worse, I think about the consequences and just adopt that fool-proof (*snort*) I’ll just make up for it tomorrow attitude. But I never do. And that, in turn, makes me sad, because I feel really guilty about it.

Last year involved a lot of burgers. Last year involved a lot of everything. Slightly less alcohol than 2010, but definitely more junk food, a side effect of having moved out of home again. By some minor miracle, my weight stabilised to within about 2-3kg the whole year, and I ended the year around the same weight as I started – certainly not more. But I felt like shit. I never really settled that well into my share house situation and often didn’t put much effort into preparing healthy meals (or, if I did, I just made the same boring things over and over). I worked long hours on a degree that I hated, often meaning that convenience won out over conscientiousness. I become the living, breathing (just) embodiment of the concept ‘you are what you eat’. I was eating shit and I was eating mindlessly, and as a result I felt like shit and I felt mindless and out of control.

Something’s happened this year. I don’t know what it is but I feel like this year is different. I feel like I have more control over everything, and I say that fully aware of the fact that a mere few days ago I was clutching my gut feeling sorry for myself because I had definitely eaten much more than I needed to. I’m not a binge eater – I never really have been – but oh my gosh, I can put away some food. I have to consciously tell myself to stop most of the time, because my ‘full’ register is way off the charts. But I feel like I am making headway. I am more open to the concept of baby steps. I’m more forgiving. I’m more flexible.

I’ll probably keep looking at burgers for a while. It’s kind of like a break up, really – it happens, and maybe you still want to be with them and maybe you don’t, but for a while you keep lurking their Facebook profile just to see what they’re up to, until eventually you realise you haven’t done that for a while, and you didn’t even notice. I’m pretty sure my love of all things burger (and pizza, and fish and chips, and noodley, and… and… and…) will eventually fade away, and I’ll be able to view each of these things from a non-pathological standpoint. I’ll be happy to shell out $15 for a really damn good burger once or twice a year, or to have a couple of slices of pizza, or to save the fish & chips for the place that I’ve been told by many people does the best fish & chips I’ll ever eat.

This is a theme that will come up in the few posts I’m going to write about my epiphany, but I have spent my entire life positioning myself as a victim. All I’ve ever wanted is for someone else to own up & take responsibility for my shitty decision making skills. I’ve wanted my parents to take the blame for raising a fat baby who turned into a fat kid who turned into a fat teenager who turned into a fat young adult who turned into the present-day basket case that is yours truly. I wanted them to take the blame for genetics, to tell me that I was dealt a rough hand in life (after all, my sister isn’t overweight. Why should I have to suffer?). I’ve wanted guys to take the blame for being arseholes for not liking me because of my weight (I don’t even know if this is a real issue. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t). I want society to take the blame for instilling attitudes which dictate the obsession with being thin. I’ve just wanted every single other person to take the blame for problems that, ultimately, have no one to blame, except for me.

Because when it comes down to it, part of being an autonomous human being is taking responsibility for your own actions. I am a notoriously bad decision maker, and I’m a perfectionist, and this has made me generally indecisive and inactive, which is a terrible predicament for one to find oneself in if one isn’t pleased with one’s own situation. My obsession with always being the best at everything means that I have been too short sighted to even bother really committing to getting healthy in recent years. I’ve also been consumed by this completely irrational fear that, if I lost weight, people would just refer to me as “Erin who used to be fat” anyway (vain, much?). Also, what happens if I don’t like my life as a slim person? What happens if my problems run deeper than my dress size?

I can’t live like that any more, though. It’s just so self destructive and I am so done. How I’m feeling now though? I haven’t felt like this. I haven’t felt this empowered and optimistic, this willing to try and possibly make mistakes, but to keep on trying, because what’s the alternative? Inaction?

I’ve decided to take responsibility. It’s just time to start making grown up decisions. I need to decide what I want more: that 250 calorie glass of cider, or to lose a few hundred extra grams. To eat a burger now, or to spend two extra hours in the gym tomorrow working it off. To feel good in my skin, or to accept self loathing as my norm, and do nothing to change it.

And that’s why I look at burgers, but eat tuna and salad on toast.